Issue 13, March 29, 2015

It’s a particularly hot and humid day here at Nimnicht Chevrolet Fleet/Commercial sales office (shameless plug).  I can see heatwaves rolling off the asphalt.  The leaves are wilting on the trees, and its only mid-March!  I must be delusional…I hear children’s music coming from a speaker outside…ICE CREAM!!!!
Now I haven’t bought ice cream off a truck in…well…decades.  But on this day, I’ve got to have one.  So, I convince my body that it is deficient of the nutrients that only vended ice cream can provide.  I grab my loose change cup and walk (I have my pride) to the truck.  If he drives off, then it just wasn’t meant to be.
Oh no, he’s driving off!!  Rather than looking like a fool that couldn’t buy ice cream, I put my SBMC auction skills to use and give out a short ‘hup!’  I see brake lights…victory is mine!!
Side note: With all due respect to the Van Halen song, have you ever bought anything from an ice cream truck vendor?  Seriously, this guy could be a mass-murderer…or least just real creepy. Apparently, he chooses not to participate in daily bathing practices.  NOT MY PROBLEM TODAY!  Ice cream is in my immediate future, and this pillar of Jacksonville’s dairy industry is my champion!
Rubbing my hands with anticipation, I scour all the faded and scratched pictures from which to choose.  Probably a waste of time, as I only like two items from an ice cream truck: Good Humor Strawberry Shortcakes and Fudgesicles (the full chocolate one; not the one with vanilla in the middle).
I enthusiastically opt for the Fudgesicle!  My good vendor informs me that he is currently without Fudgesicles.  Curses!  Now I must settle for the loooowwwwwly Strawberry Shortcake.  Eh, it’s the one I wanted anyway.  A short time later: I am back in my office chair, peeling away the packaging, revealing my bovine delight.
Now as a child, I would’ve pounded that treat as quickly as avoiding brain-freeze would allow.  But, just as the Good Book instructs: ‘When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me’.  So, I made the mature decision to actually READ the label, of what I am about to eat.

On the front it states that the ‘cake coating’ is artificially flavored.  It proceeds to the ‘light ice cream’ statement, where an asterisk divulges that it is NOT a light food.  Huh?!  Lastly, there is a strawberry flavored center with artificial color.  In retrospect, I could detect a hint of metallic strawberry, pinging my taste buds.

I flip the wrapper over to the backside to find all the nutritional information.  Nutrition, really?!  But, before I can get to that, I discover that my Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bar is made by the good people at Unilever.  That’s the same company that makes detergent, shampoo and soap…oh, this is just keeps getting better.  All three features: Coating, center, and ‘light ice cream’ have a multitude of ingredients I can either not pronounce and/or that shouldn’t be in ice cream (just my opinion).  Worst of all, it contains High Fructose Corn Syrup, and you know what they say about that…

As you probably figured out…there really IS no nutritional value to a Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bar.  And this revelation coming from the person who can justify that scotch whiskey as a reasonable healthy drink (low in calories and no carbs).

By now, I’ve consumed my afternoon treat.  I am a little disappointed that I didn’t choose more wisely.  But all in all, this trip down memory lane was not as unhealthy as going to Burger King and buying a Whopper (which I love).  Conversely, it wasn’t as healthy as going to the Pho Noodle Bar (which I also love).  But, it sure was tasty!!!

Epilogue:  As I looked over my recent Messages, I noticed there has been an abundance of political, volunteer, and civic calls to action, as well as donation requests.  Today, there is no underlying message, no segue into a greater meaning, no moral to the story.  It is just the ramblings of your most humble servant.

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